I'm hoping to get to Tekkoshocon in April. It's a ways away yet, and I honestly don't think anyone but the people I know IRL would be in the attending group, but, you know, I could be wrong.

So, got this group up and running. Groups seem like an important feature to me... Kinda missing for a while. Awful amazed it took this long to implement. Anyhoo, is up and running and accepting people who want to join and appreciate cute and/or busty girls. Preferably and. Come check it out, and don't be shy and stuff.

After getting an uber-long schedule of assignments to come in the hard-to-stand User Centered Design class, and help managing the work I had left in other classes, I managed to pull myself out of a metaphoric hole with my grades. My endless anxiety and worry were put to ease a bit, at least. Still got plenty to panic about, but I should be fine.

Trying to draw again. Trying, at least. I seem to be without inspiration, 'cause I can't really.... Come up with anything, or like everything else I do, figure out where to start. That's making me freak out whenever I try to do anything, finding a beginning. That's like.... An art in itself, man. Maybe it's more of a science, I need to look into that.

I'm feeling better, at least.

School is going to be the freekin' death of me. Unable to locate the logic in the two languages we are working with, I find myself struggling with getting work done. Having fallen behind due to the amount of work I have wrestled with in fruitless attempts to analyze and utilize this obnoxious platform, I am panicking as I attempt to begin work anew. Working on a different platform at home makes doing the work outside of class very difficult. This crap's supposed to be cross-platform, too..... Mono doesn't seem to have WinForms implemented completely that I can find, and XNA is the "Hellspawn of DirectX", so there's no way it's leaving Microsoft's jurisdiction.

One of the teachers seems to be in constant asshole mode, making condescending remarks nonstop and a role model for the IT students in the school. I find myself skipping that class often, merely so I don't spend most of the time sick to my stomach from a rage-induced adrenaline jump gone nowhere, or digging my fingernails into my palm holding my fist down and wanting to just flip tables in the computer labs over screaming. Knowing that I will have to hear that voice of his for another 3/4 of a year is not sitting well with me.

These aren't the whole extent of my problems, but they're pretty sizable influences to my depression and willingness to just leave school. I have talked with a few friends, some of which may see this journal, about the situation and I am glad, very glad, they at least even took the time to listen. Many have told me to stick around for the degree, but I can't even see what good a degree's going to do me in these rocky economic conditions.

As far as the absence of me drawing goes, at the moment I have what looks to be a combination of a very worn-out and less useful small bamboo fun, and a change in xorg's input recognition I have to look into. Considering motivation's been sapped out of me like the air in a depressurized plane, that could be some time. I've also had a hard time handling such a small drawing surface. About time I quit using the midget tablet. Shame I'm totally broke.

There's a lot of communities out on the internet, isn't there? I'm sure most people running around here are present in one or two. Nice, isn't it? People to talk with, share information with, to stomp trolls in unison with, or someone else to troll with. I got a feeling most people underestimate how important something like that is.

Being around multiple places over the course of my Internet "career" has taught me that I don't belong anywhere. From the source of my nickname on Pokemasters in 2000 to a few, small, friend-held forums over the years, to carousing the dream-in-code forums, and to here, I end up not having that warm sense of acceptance.

That's not saying no one's been friendly. If anything, I'm the one being a douchebag in most of these places. I seriously have a very hard time finding common ground with people, and have for as long as I can remember. And it's really not helping me keep myself stable at all.

What's even worse is that this doesn't even apply just to the internet. This happens in real life, too.

I'm losing all motivation once again. A repeat of last year, so far. I can't get any work done as C# is nothing but a minefield as far as I'm concerned. Every solution to a problem opening up another batch of flaming bags of turds on my doorstep. Combining this with a depression caused by working alone all the time and involuntary unemployment, I'm really not having a good time. I've got a lot of projects I want to do, part of me thinks I NEED to do them, but they're too big for one guy to do alone.

I'm probably going to fall back to doing nothing but lurking for a while. At the moment, it's all I seem to be good at.